1988

I’ve never been one to march to anyone else’s drummer. I didn’t follow trends. I wasn’t part of the “in” crowd. I did things my own way and was quite content. Nobody pushed me to do drugs. Ok, there was that one time, but that’s a story I’ll write later. (Spoiler: I didn’t do it.) Last night, I was thinking about my seventh grade year for a few reasons. Boring ones, I assure you. But there were a few highlights from seventh/eighth grade I thought I’d like to share.

First of all, I was alone my seventh grade year. Separately, all three of my best friends had moved away at the end of sixth grade. Living right next to a military base, we were used to seeing people come and go every year. However, only one of those three friends was military. Anyway, they were all gone, so I was left to fend for myself the next year. You may not know this about me, but I’m rather anti-social. (Ha, like that’s a shock.) I’m not a joiner and I don’t make friends lightly.

One major event during my seventh grade year was that I fell from one of the chin-up bars. I’d always been one of the tallest in my class, so I was on the tall chin-up bar. I somehow let go and fell straight down. Landed on my tailbone. It was the least fun I’d ever had on a playground. I spent a good deal of the next few weeks in the nurse’s office. Lots of times I had to be picked up early from school. I was a real pain in my mom’s rear, who had to take off from work every time I called to come get me because I couldn’t sit in those hard desks, I’m sure.
I’ve said I knew I was different from other kids. I didn’t know any other kid who liked going to the office supply store. I loved it. I could spend hours in there. Smelling the…whatever. Old dust do you think? Once, I spent my hard-earned allowance on a roll of tickets. What use did I have for tickets? None, whatsoever. But I was more interested in them than candy. So my next big purchase from the office supply store was a briefcase. Again, what use did I have for it? None.

I carried it with me everywhere. Eventually, I'd take it to school filled with candy I'd bought at the neighborhood convenience store to sell at school. That ended abruptly one day. I was out on the front lawn before school started, doing my thing. A few kids came around. Then a few more. Suddenly I looked up and there was a huge crowd. Like you'd see around a fight. People started pushing and stuff, and I got more than a little scared. So I decided to close up shop. Somebody hocked a lugie in my hair from behind me. I was beyond done. And was kinda getting concerned about getting caught selling candy with all the attention I was drawing.

I went back to just being the weird girl with a briefcase. And then my mom came home with some wallpaper sample books someone had given her. I decided to jazz up my plain brown briefcase. I taped pieces of wallpaper I'd cut out of the books to the front of my briefcase. Interesting southwestern pattern and shapes. They did not go with the brown. But then, neither did the wallpaper, really.

So yeah, that was me. And while the wallpapered briefcase was the strangest thing I did, it wasn't by much. I remember another purse I carried that year was lime green. The only reason I'm sure it was the same time-frame is that I'd caught one of the handles on the doorknob when I was walking out of the library one day. It was hooked over my arm, under my books and I fell. Right on my bruised tailbone. Not my finest day.

You really gonna wear that?

So last weekend was filled with jobs for Mom’s Taxi Service. I drove Alexa here and there. A lot. Much more than I planned, that’s for sure.

It started with a simple Friday plan. Take Alexa to the library so she could earn a cell phone before the school-year cutoff hit. If she spent two hours with this tutoring program, she earned a Metro POS, I mean PCS phone with service for a month on them. So, I had lunch with my aunt then picked Alexa up, then dropped her off at the downtown library, after making sure she was in the right place and everything. Then I went on my merry way to Weatherford to do an inspection, then back to town to do another. I was closer to the babies than her, so I picked them up first, then we got stuck in traffic. Bad traffic. I'd never seen it backed up that far before. Ever. So the babies and I took back-roads and twisted and turned all over the place, but got there to pick her up before it closed. Whew!

My inspections had taken longer than I expected. We barely made it. But, now Alexa finally had the materials to do the rest of the work. The materials she should have been given 6 months ago. So now she wanted to earn the laptop. The laptop that was really a netbook. But to her, it's a treasure. Friday night, she did some work. Saturday, she got up and started on her work, then wanted to go hang out at the library with them again. I suspect a boy was involved.

I took her to the library and let her stay for the day. She got there about noon and I picked her up about 5. She had a party to go to at 5:30, but she was supposed to bring a dessert and had none. I baked some cookies for her, like a nice mom, while she got ready. I made snickerdoodles, which she doesn't like, but they were fundraiser cookies we needed to get rid of. And of course, I didn't have anything to transport them on, so I improvised. I took a stack of about 5 paper plates and covered them in aluminum foil. Then I stacked the cookies up and covered the whole thing in more foil. Sure, I coulda gone to the grocery store and bought her something, but then we'd still have those cookies in the freezer and she has a new cookie fundraiser coming up for band. I have a feeling we're about to be up to our ears in cookie dough.

Ok, so now we're late for the party. Lee's at work, of course, so we all get in the car and head to the party. She's been to these people's house before a few times, but I never have. I'd looked up the way to get there before we left, and was pretty sure I was going the right way, but Alexa was busy texting on her new phone and wasn't interested in helping find the place. Until her POS had no signal. Ha! Anyway, I mentioned to Taylar that we were taking Alexa to her party. A really bad decision, usually. She said Alexa couldn't be going to a party, she wasn't wearing a dress. Because that is the end-all-be-all of a three-year-old's knowledge of parties. You have to wear a dress. We didn't mention it was a swimming party. That would have been too much for the poor baby to miss out on.

We found the house, no thanks to Alexa. She was back in her phone as we passed the house because she'd given me the wrong house number earlier in the evening. But now, she knew the number. Go figure.

I dropped her off and we headed home. Taylar was upset about missing a party now, so I told her we could go home and have our own party. Would she like chicken nuggets at her party? "No, just cake." What kind of cake? Brown cake. Ok, I had a brownie mix in the pantry, I could do "brown cake". We had party food, first. I made chicken nuggets and gave the girls some queso to dip them in. And broccoli, their favorite vegetable. And some beans, another favorite. And chips to dip in the leftover cheese.

Earlier, while I was waiting for the last batch of cookies, I'd chopped the vegetables for a zucchini casserole. I put it in to bake while we were gone and it was ready to come out just about the time I was ready to put the brownies in. Once the girls saw I had vegetables, they wanted some to go with their party food. So I shared. How can you resist little children begging for vegetables? I know I can't.

Not too much later, it was time to head back to get Alexa. She wasn't ready on time, surprise! But it wasn't too long of a wait. And she was in the first group that came out, so that was nice. The brownies were nice and cool when we got home. I'd even left out the nuts in case Alexa wanted some. But she didn't. She went to her room and I think did some more vocabulary words to try and earn that netbook.

Sunday morning, she wanted to go to church, so I took her there. She was scheduled to work in the nursery, but didn't feel well, so a friend's mom brought her home. She started working on her vocabulary words around noon. The deadline was 5pm, and she was about halfway done. At 4, we left to go to the library. She wasn't done and we needed to talk to the people. They said they'd already told some people they had until 9 to finish, so how could they not let her do the same? But she'd finished the first giant workbook and needed another.

She worked and worked on those words, but she wasn't very good at hitting the keys right, so she missed several. Plus, on some pages, they'd numbered them out-of-order, so she'd do a whole section wrong. I spent a lot of time helping her. Some of the words were kind of tricky. Qualitative had a really funky definition according to the book. Sure, it was a part of the actual definition, but it wasn't a very conceptual answer. Anyway, she worked long and hard. At 9, she was only 10 points away from earning the netbook, so she called the lady to let her know. She needed to finish and call back. Just after 10 on the night before the first day of school, she finally finished. She'd done no preparation for her school day.

She would have been finished before 10 pm if I'd not given her my cell phone to use, because it got better reception. Once I went in to see how she was doing and caught her talking to her boyfriend on her call phone while pausing the system on speaker. She's had her cell phone mearly a week and a half and I've confiscated it at least 3 times so far.

Anyway, she earned her computer, but hasn't received it yet. Not that I'm the least bit surprised. These people are the biggest feet-draggers I've ever met. And I live with Lee, who runs on CPT.

She's signed up with the same company for this school year. At least this time she has a phone number of someone to bug. The grand prize this year is an Ipod Touch. She's really been wanting one of those. I can't see spending that kind of money for something she's going to lose/break within a few months, but if she wants to earn one, I'm all for that. Maybe she'll take care of it.

Family Funtime

Seriously, where's the "sarcastic font" on this thing?


So Monday night, I get a call. It's Lee's sister. Is he there? No, he's working. (True story.) Does he not answer his phone while he's working? Not really. If you need him, you can call on his job phone. No, that's ok. Just give him a message. If he cares about his mother at all, call me. Otherwise I won't call him anymore.


Is there anything I can help with? Not really. Then she spills the story. I call Lee at work and tell him what little I know. And I hated to do it because I knew it was gonna piss him off, but I told him her ultimatum. But really, who actually likes being on the receiving end of an ultimatum?


So some of the story is from her and some is from him. I don't think I have any editorial comments. But I haven't typed it yet, have i?


Here goes.


Their mom had stopped taking her psych meds and started calling people telling them she was going to burn the house down with her and her youngest son inside. (He's quadriplegic from an accident.) Some lady believed her and came to the house. She started knocking on the door and wouldn't leave. Their mom kept repeating her story and told her to leave or she'd call the police. The lady wouldn't leave. Their mom called the police. She was belligerent with them when they arrived, plus she'd been drinking. Surprise, they took her away.


They apparently had no problems leaving a bedridden boy (ok, he's 23) home alone. Anyway, so the younger brother called the sister, who was trying to contact the other brothers. The other brother was acting like it was a huge imposition. Lee was unavailable. I could hear the stress in his sister's voice. Her mom had been taken somewhere, she hadn't been successful in finding out where. Something about needing a code word to get information on mental patients' whereabouts.


Lee called her at some point. After work, he went to the volleyball bar with his friends from work. He never called me back to tell me what was going on, or even sent a text, but whatever. He did, however, show up more than a little inebriated in the middle of the night. So that was good. :(


He told me most of the story and that they knew where his mom was. And that his sister couldn't be there the folowing night, so he would be spending the night in Dallas. And of course, being the responsible guy that he is, he stayed up while I went back to bed around 4.


Predictably, he wasn't up for getting up in the morning, so he called in to work. He stayed home and did laundry all day and was supposed to be in Dallas by 6. But he dozed off on the couch and didn't leave until nearly 5pm.


Alexa got home from school and called to tell me he'd left for Dallas. Funny, my phone must be broken, it never even rang when he tried to call me. Yeah, so that started a fight. I was trying so hard not to start one because of all the stress he had going on. But he was apparently in the fightin' mood.


He didn't call me when he got there and was kinda pissed that I called him. But I didn't care. I wanted him to know his daughter was running a fever. So I nursed her all evening. Kept her separated (for the most part) from her sisters.


At 11, he called and woke me up. He was home, the door was locked. B-O-O H-O-O. I wanted to say, anyway. I went and unlocked the door and he said somethign about his brother showed up with his boys, so blah, blah, blah he came back home and would go back the next night for his turn. I was sleepy and stumbled back to bed.


So, Wednesday night, Lee went straight from work to Dallas. Around 10, he sent me a text saying he was almost there. 45 minutes later, I called to find out where he was, if anything had happened. He'd stopped to pick up half-price Pappasitos fajitas and to have a couple of margaritas while he waited and neglected to mention it. So when he left, he sent a text saying he was leaving the parking lot NOW.


Thirty minutes later, I called to see where he was since it was only a 10-12 minute drive. He'd taken one of the guys from his store home. Didn't think telling me was necessary. Um, didn't you just tell me you were headed here and that you'd been drinking? Wasn't it you who I had this very same conversation with less than an hour ago? Inconsiderate prick.


So I started a movie since I was wide awake at midnight. Ugh.

Fake It 'Till You Make It

Once upon a time, I worked for a perfume company. It was knockoff stuff that we sold on the streets. You've prolly been approached by someone in a parking lot selling perfume before, right? Well, I'm sure it wasn't me, but that's the kind of thing I did.

It was a great time, not very great income. There was this kind-of pyramid-scheme thing going on. It was a mess. But I learned a lot. The company broke my shell/pushed me out of my cage/whatever metaphor you like...

Here's how it worked. First, there were the mandatory training meetings to learn about the product. Funny how from lunchtime on day one, the class size kept shrinking. Ok, not funny ha ha...

But we were out in the field that first week making money. Right on the spot. They checked out a box of perfume to you and you had a dollar amount to turn in for each bottle sold. Sometimes they'd run a special or something and you'd get a break after selling so many.

Your profit was whatever you could talk someone into. I'm not a seller. It didn't take long for me to realize that. But now I know one thing I don't like. And knowing I'm bad at selling tells me I'd be bad at prostitution, for example, so I don't have to bother trying that.

Ok, so now that you have these newly acquired selling skills and all this perfume stock, what next? Why, you take your show on the road, of course! I had a car and lots of free time. So go I did.

We'd travel to Oklahoma sometimes. But my favorite trips were to south Texas. We'd hit college towns and make some money. Or border towns. Whatever, wherever.

To save money, we'd all stay in one room. Usually 6-8 people. One time, I remember 14 people in one room. Someone slept in a bathtub. Lots of people brought sleeping bags. It was craziness. But youth = stupidity and we were happy.

One trip, 6 of us had gone somewhere. There were 2 girls, so we shared one bed, and 4 guys. I think two may have shared the other bed, or maybe they were too insecure, so three slept on the floor??? The boss decided to graciously take the floor. He was sleeping between the two beds. I had this short-set that I was sleeping in that night. It was from Victoria's Secret, but it wasn't like that. It was plain cotton with the words Victoria's Secret stitched across the shirt. Anyway, someone across the room asked me what my shirt said. I held it out so they could see. Now I was getting in bed, so I wasn't wearing a bra. Didn't think twice about showing someone my shirt. What I had forgotten was my boss, lying on the floor 4' away. He got a clear view up my shirt. I was embarrased, but not too badly.

Until he brought it up at breakfast the next morning. When we met up with another group. I had a red face through the whole meal. Thus the story of the time I accidentally flashed my boss.

After doing the selling thing for a few months, my parents were less than enamored with this company. I was supposed to quit and stop going on trips. But I was 18 and having fun. I wasn't eating much. Breakfast every day, but then I'd snack on oranges and pretzels the rest of the day and was fine. 6 oz. of pretzels in one hand and 6 oz. of fruit in the other is a balanced diet, right?

I got super-skinny. Which for me, was around 145-150 lbs. What? I'm tall-ish. Anyway, when we'd come back into town, I'd stay with friends so I wouldn't get in trouble at home. I'd come home while my parents were out and get clothes or whatever. My younger siblings were supposed to keep me home if I showed up.

My sister's friend parked behind me in the driveway to keep me there. I just drove out through the yard. They were instructed after that to cut the valve stems on my tires next time I came home. It never got to that. I knew I needed to stop running around like that. And I did. Just not on their timetable. But it didn't take long for me to learn.

Baby Nightmares

Taylar had a nightmare last night. She cried for a minute and when she calmed down, her explanation was: “She put books on me.” At least, that’s what I thought I heard at 4:30. No. Bugs is what she was saying. The story trickled out that it was the daycare director who was putting bugs on her. She was absolutely positive there was a bug on her hand. I took my cell phone and used the light from it to show her there was no bug. Then there was one on her foot. Then they were all over her bed. No, those are just the triangles and squares. On my sheep? Yes, on your sheet. Then she pointed out to me which were triangles and which were squares.

Every minute or two, there was another supposed bug until I finally just put her in my bed, told her the bugs were afraid of Mommy’s bed and she needed to go to sleep. It worked, I guess, because I only heard one more peep out of her until I kicked her back into her bed at 6.

Now, which one of you put the sandpaper under my eyelids?

This Mystery Shopping Thing...

Is wearing me out. Ok, so maybe I overscheduled a little...

Tonight wasn't too terribly bad since Lee was home and stayed with the girls. But I had these phone call audits to do and I'd set the girls up in the living room with a dvd each and went in the room to make a call. Well, he came home and pitched a fit because the door was closed to the bedroom. He was yelling some crap about endangering the girls. I heard nothing but the Charlie Brown voice. (Mwah mwah, mwah mwah mwah.)

He was originally supposed to go with me to the fast food dinner, then I was going to the mall. He knew about the baby store, but not the teen store I'd picked up yesterday. I was going to spring it on him at the last minute and only if he came to the mall with me. Or maybe I was gonna play it off and just say I was gonna get another school shirt for Alexa, who knows.

And then, I was gonna go to Bath & Body Works and get some nasty cucumber melon crap that my best friend likes and drop it off at her house because it was her birthday today. But that didn't work out.

I went and picked up chicken for the girls like he asked me to and dropped it off at the house. Wouldn't you know, he fussed because I brought food back forst instead of after my dine-in experience. Um, it was already 7. The girls were due to go to bed before too long. (And wasn't it you just fussing about me putting work ahead of the girls??? But you were too into your phone call to talk to me, but you could open the front door after you ignored me inside and fuss for the neighbors to hear???)

Then I went to the fast food place alone. (They got a bad rating for customer service.) And headed for the mall. As I was walking in, I was composing a blog post about why someone who hates to shop should sign up for mystery shopping. Not ironic at all. The teen store was quick and easy. I knew exactly what I wanted.

The baby store, not so much. For starters, it was waaay ridiculous in price. Or maybe I'm just cheap. I'm sure that's more likely it. I just can't see paying $30+ for one baby outfit. Maybe the kid wears it twice. That's why God invented Wal-Mart. Or something. $5-$7 an outfit is a lot more my style, at least until they're in school. Yeah, I shop the clearance racks for next year's sizes, what of it?

And then, I made a phone call to see if baby Skye had any theme. According to my dad, it's apparently either "strange" or "ugly" so far. He's not a fan of the poop-brown outfits. Something about them looking dirty already. I did get some cute nephew stories, though.

It seems the younger one had a pre-k meet-the-teacher about a month ago. My dad took him. He was apparently good to go and told my dad he could go ahead on. Silly Grandpa, he went ahead and stayed. After it was over, the nephew opened up his book and reportedly looked at it for a good 6 seconds. "Nope, still can't read it." He may have no more use for school. If they couldn't teach him how to read in that one hour, they may not have much of a purpose.

That's it for me. I've entered reports and typed enough to last me all the way until morning. I only have one phone call to make tomorrow. And you can bet I'll have it done before I get the girls, because I have to go to a teen store at a different mall, plus go to a store next to the mall with my screwdriver to check something out. I'll be picking Alexa up and making her go along unless by some miracle Lee's off tomorrow night. (I'm not holding my breath, he's not exactly the stay-home type when there's overtime to be had...

Adventures in Mystery Shopping

So this morning a few weeks ago when I started writing this post, I had a mystery shop at a fast food chain for breakfast. It was only a few blocks from work, which surprised me with its presence, because I don’t ever go to it, even though it’s closer than the other two I do frequent.

Now I know why.

So, the deal is, I dine in. I get paid for the visit plus I get reimbursed for the food I order, although I may have to order within their guidelines or their specific menu item. Today, I had a choice of 3 different things. So, I’m going through my checklist and get my coffee and my food and go sit down.

Within a few seconds of sitting down, a bird flies into the window behind me. Then it just flies off in the other direction. This causes the man in the next booth over to strike up a conversation with me. (Well, that and the delicious way I’ve fixed my food up.)

He starts talking about the signs mentioned in the Bible [of the world coming to an end] and birds chasing cats and every bird-chasing-something-it-shouldn’t story he could think of. He talked my ear off for a while and finally, finally left.

But wait, there's more. (Cue Madison, her voice full of wonderment: "There's more?!?") [Kasey, you were 4 when that movie came out, I doubt you 've seen it.]

So as soon as this guy clears out, another guy who had been staring at me from across the restaurant came over. He was older and had this goofy serial-killer awkward-with-women thing going for him. He said he couldn't stop staring at me because I looked like a schoolteacher. He asked if I was married. It caught me off guard, so I answered honestly. No. He'd been looking for a big girl like me. (He explained he meant tall.) And invited me to his house, gave me the address and everything.

Ok, so here I am, freaking out. This guy is going on and on, nearly drooling over himself in his excitement. Somehow he goes back to his table and I get to finish my breakfast in peace. I still have to check over the restroom, so I quick get that over with. When I come out, he's not at his table. Instead he's standing up against the building right outside the door. I'm about ready to hit the panic button on my car remote since he's seen me and come over.

He wants to remind me I'm welcome at his house anytime, his door will always be unlocked for me. He was going to give me his address again, but I let him know I remembered it. It made him happy enough to not try and abduct me right then and there, so it must have been the right thing. He'd told me his name, and I guess I should have remembered it and given it to someone in case the police need it later.

I didn't leave a trail of burnt rubber on the parking lot, though I really, really wanted to. So of course, the first thing I did was call Lee and tell him about the whole ordeal. His response?

"I think this could be the sugar daddy we've been looking for. You may have to take one for the team, Jen."

Um, no. You can play gigolo for the cougars. I'm not about to be hacked to bits and stored in some man's mother's freezer.

It's been at least a month and my heart still races at the thought of it.